Posted on 04.05.2007 at 18:34
I had a really great show on youtube.com. It was like a Dance-Vlog-Interview-Specialty broadcast. This is my new show, not The Howard Tuttleman Show. This is The HOWARD Show. It's a really like the old show except for a lot of certain parts.
Posted on 22.02.2007 at 01:27
Posted on 29.06.2006 at 22:41
Current Mood: enraged
RRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! AAAARRRRRRRRR!!!! Have you seen what they've done to me!? Have you SEEN IT? I JUST saw it. Remember how I said I trained with my new-trainer, Rudy Perrero last-week? Remember that? Well 616-Studios (my web-site team) took it upon themselves to edit one AMAZING training-session into some sort of.....ATTACK on Howard Tuttleman. They didn't ask me for ANY input about what footage I wanted on the video, and just showed some really awful career-damaging scenes of me. And they doctored-it-up to make it look like I wasn't in-control. I WAS IN COMPLETE CONTROL. Click on this to SEE WHAT THEY HAVE DONE: .. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KxEJfNdB8A
I need the help of my-fans more than I have ever needed it. I'm going to make a list of all of the culprits involved in this video. I'm going to briefly list the ways they have wronged-me. Then I need YOU people to vote on who gets fired from 616-Studios. Please post all comments on my "comments-section" on myspace, or in the comments on my BLOG-page. Tell me WHO needs to be fired, and why. There are jobs are at stake, so please take this VERY seriously. Feel-free to get your friends and family to join-in and vote too. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I MUST make an example out of one of these guys. Here's my list.
1. Josh- While you barely see or hear him, Josh sure wasn't doing anything to help. He was being very quiet the whole time, so maybe he was pondering all of the ways to RUIN me.
2. Bosco- It was obvious that Bosco wasn't looking-out for my safety the entire time. He ignored me every-time I called for a medic or for security. Then he goes and plays dumb. Also I have a feeling that he is the master-mind behind editing all of the corny-music and the uneccessary slow-motion.
3. Marcus- Marcus was extremely un-helpful. Not only that, but he was being extra-difficult. A true smart-alec. Did you hear him say "Howard, whatever you're doing, I don't want to do it"!? Did you hear him jump up-and-down for joy when I hurt my face? Did you hear him insinuate that he wanted to throw me to the ground!? Pay attention, people!
4. Rudy Perrero- Is this guy really what you would consider a "personal-trainer"? I didn't think so either. He didn't do anything but give me funny-looks ALL night. Hello! He also hurt my face! Did you SEE THAT? Then he repeatedly refuses to work with me! And I have to PAY this guy to train me!
5. The French-Man- Did he GET enough ridiculous close-ups!? Could he have made it ANY harder to under-stand what he was saying!? Not to mention....NOT TO MENTION, why the HECK did he feel the need to step AWAY from his ONE SIMPLE DUTY (running a camera) and physically ASSULT ME!?
Well that's my list, guys. Get to your virtual voting-booths (my comment page or my BLOG-comment page) and begin deciding the fate of one of these "loyal-workers". Heck, vote for 2 or 3 of them if you'd like. Make-sure to leave your reasons with your vote so I can rub-it-in the face of the guys that gets fired. Later.
Posted on 20.06.2006 at 01:51
Current Mood: irate
Well guys, I finally had my first session with my new personal-trainer, Rudy Pererro. It turned-out so great in fact, that I may never need to hire him again. He tought me some of the toughest fighting and dancing moves that I've ever seen. The whole session was video-taped by our new camera-man, The French-Man, who may or may not have been fired shortly there-after for a few small incedents that took-place. After I review the footage I will be able to tell if his actions were purposefully malicious or not.
Also, as I mentioned, Rudy Pererro may never train me again. I'm not going to get into the details, but I think I learned enough from him to take-out any one of my fa-- opponents. Rudy was extremely strong, yet very light on his feet. He had a really bad attitude though. We may have dis-agreed on a few things. I really don't remember, so don't worry about it. All you need to know is that Howard Tuttleman is now a deadly force, much like a tornado, earth-quake, or a forest-fire. The moves I learned were in-fact SO power-ful that I'm not even going to ever show you the footage. EVER. I can't have you guys knowing my moves. I mean, if you try something on me, I'd be more than happy to use them on you. THEN you would be able to see the moves. But I can't just show them to you. Then you would know what to expect. I can't have you using my own moves against me. Where's the logic in that!?
Anyways, so yeah. I am now a house-of-fire, in combat, and on the dance-floor. And that's all you need to know. I'm going to make 616-Studios sign a waiver that says they are forbidden to show this footage. I failed to do this for my Canadian Expedition, and they went right-ahead and put it up against my wishes. That video just made me look bad. THIS video could possibly get me into legal-trouble because teen-agers might try to recreate the moves and wind-up crippling each-other. Then I'd have to go to prison. My new moves would probably keep me safe there though, so I'm not scared. To any 616-member reading this: This is a direct warning. You've seen the moves. Show the video, and you will suffer from the moves.
If I get around to making that new dance/fighting/work-out video I've talked about, I won't be able to show these ones. I'll have to censor them or edit them before the good-parts happen. Let me know if you'd like to be in my video so I can do the moves on you. Later.
Posted on 17.06.2006 at 11:54
Current Mood: distressed
So here I am. Howard Tuttleman, on the cusp of a new way of fighting. What!? You don't know yet? Okay, I've been in a brain-struggle all week. I'm at a stand-still, guys. You see, I've been looking to create a new dance/fight/work-out video lately. I'm sure you know of the last one. I flew-amazing in that one. I fought, I danced, I won your hearts. Now it's time to do an out-standing style of work that really makes you guys realize what the whole Howard Tuttleman life-style is about. I'm going to dance you all into a hole in the ground. I'm also going to ruin your lives by showing you fighting that has never been attempted on this planet.
You see, I'm going to need some help. That's why I've enlisted the help of my new trainer. Yes, a trainer. If I wasn't so docile lately, I would most absolutely fight a-lot of you guys. I mean, who the HECK do you think you are!? You are worthless and weak. I'm hiring Rudy Pererro to help me fight and dance my way to success. You've never heard of Rudy Pererro? Good. That means I'm a step-above you all. Rudy is a hire-on that's going to show-me how to kill people with my amazing bare-hands. This is something I've been waiting for. I want to be able to kill you if you get too close to my body and/or face. Apparently, Rudy is the type of guy that will teach me how to kill you. Not YOU personally, mind you. But I would definitely cripple you if I was given the chance. LOL. That means I'm just joking. Ha Ha Ha. What-ever.
Anyways, Rudy is going to train me to kill my over-zealous fans. Ha Ha. Just kidding again. But not really. I don't need you guys looking at my face or anything, just so you know. I know a-lot of moves to paralyze you, but I may someday need to kill people who just can't seem to back-down and leave-me-alone. Respect my privacy, and maybe I'll be merciful.
Heck, I don't know. Rudy is going to train me. What-ever. Just leave-me-alone while I train. That's all I ask. I'm not in a good-mood right-now, so stop looking at my face. RAAAAAAAAAAAAA. ARRRRARRRWHOOO. Yeah, that means "back-off". I'm not happy. It's true that I've never killed one of my fans before, but it's also true that I've only been waiting patiently until I can find a reason to do so. Ha Ha Ha. That's not true either. I can't afford to lose any-of you to murder.
Upgh. I need my personal-trainer on-hand so I don't kill any-one. I was getting a little-out-of-hand there. But don't under-estimate me.
Have you guys ever heard of Rudy Pererro? I'm having second thoughts about him already. He just sounds like he will be a bad trainer. And I don't need that. Stop reading if you can't keep your eyes to yourself! Later, jerks. Rudy will show-me how to weed-out the bad-eggs. That's a warning. Later.
Posted on 06.06.2006 at 21:11
Current Mood: infuriated
Okay, so today I decided that my web-site team should have a meeting with me so they can get more focused on my career. After going out to lunch and then a little store-shopping, we all settled down around their computer-studio to talk business.
First I discussed my new fighting-and-dancing video and I came to the conclusion that I may need some-sort of personal trainer and/or dance instructer to make it even better than the last one. I know, I'm excited too!
Next I took it upon my-self to tell each of them exactly what they were doing wrong, things they did that annoyed me, suspicions I had about them, and some dress-code issues I was having. This part went surprisingly bad for me. They decided to all gang-up on me and try to tell me all of the stuff that THEY thought I should change about my-self! It was all un-founded garbage so I told them to shut-up, and that I wasn't listening. They got in some sort of little huddle and talked quietly so I couldn't hear them. After they took FOREVER, they told me they would make a compromise. They weren't going to try to tell me EVERYTHING I had ever done wrong to them, just the things that they thought I had done wrong TODAY. Sounded like a decent compromise. I mean, how picky would these guys have to be to come-up with that much crap for ONE-DAY!?
Well they all decided to put their complaints together and add them to this list that they have dubbed: "The Top Ten Worst And Most Annoying Things That Howard Did Today". I was furious, obviously. But here's the best-part! I agreed to print their STUPID-little list, word-for-word on my BLOG, but I'm going to justify every single one of these things to you fans so you can see how pathetic my web-site team truely is. I'm sure I don't need to explain it any further, so here's the list:
The Top-Ten Worst And Most Annoying Things That Howard (me) Did Today, According To The Worst And Most Annoying Web-Site Team EVER (616 Studios), And My Answers To Them.
1. 616: "I know that you like to use a lot of hyphens in your writing, but why do you insist on making 'air hyphens' when you talk. That's annoying."'
Me: How the HECK are you going to know if I'm making a combo-word if you can't SEE it? I've been doing this a lot lately simply because I'm afraid that no-one will be able to see the delicious combo-words I'm creating in REAL-TIME. I think that YOU are annoying.
2. 616: "When we are in your car you honk your horn at EVERYTHING. Any car that is within 5 feet of yours, you honk. Any pedestrian that even LOOKS at your car, you honk. Every bird, squirrel, and insect that you see, you honk. You honk while you go through yellow lights, and you honk at the drive-thru when they get your order wrong (and when they get it right sometimes). This is embarrassing and this is just one of the many reasons no one wants to ride with you."
Me: I have an amazing VW vehicle which I have named "Darth Cabrio". I simply don't want anything to happen to it, so I utilize the horn-function if something is threatening Darth's safety. He keeps me safe, so there-fore I must keep him safe from wild-animals, suspicious-lookers, and irresponsible-motorists. And if you didn't notice, at the drive-through I use one honk for "yes" and two honks for "no". If everybody started doing this, we wouldn't have so many problems with these things. And no one wants to ride with YOU either.
3. 616: "When you use the drinking fountain you put your mouth over the nozzle like it's a straw. That's disgusting and no one wants to use it after you do."
Me: That's how you are supposed to do it. I'm sure that the water I'M getting from these things is probably cleaner than when YOU drink from it anyways. You guys let it touch the air first, and we all know about air-pollution and air-borne germs, viruses and bacterias. It's not disgusting to ME because I'm using sanitary wet-naps on the fountain before-hand. YOU are disgusting.
4. 616: "Every single dog you see, no matter WHAT it looks like, no matter what kind of dog it is, no matter how big or small, you exclaim in a very loud desperate shriek: 'MORRIS!?', when the dog in question is CLEARLY not Morris. Once again, very embarrassing in public."
Me: Morris has been missing for over 6 months now. It's quite possible that his appearance has drastically changed in that time. Morris means everything to me, and if I get the correct response out of any of those dogs, I will know it's him and he can come-back home. Why is it "embarrassing" to be constantly searching for a lost friend!? I think YOU are embarrassing in public.
5. 616: "When you answer your cell-phone you always have to first declare 'This is Howard Tuttleman talking on a Cellular Phone' That's kind of annoying."
Me: I'm just being honest. People don't like being tricked. Did you want me to say: "This is Ronald F. Hammerhead talking from a land-line in Tibet"!? Or "This is Russ Feet communicating from an air-craft carrier"!? I don't know how YOU answer your cellular-phone, but I take my business-calls DEADLY-serious. And no, YOU are kind of annoying.
6. 616: "Can you please stop calling the police whenever you think you've just had a celebrity sighting? That was CLEARLY not Vincent Price at Radio Shack. Vincent Price is dead. And that man was middle-eastern. We were lucky that we didn't get in a LOT of trouble."
Me: I wasn't aware that Mr. Price was no longer with us. In hind-sight, I believe that means I was even MORE justified in calling the police.
7. 616: "Okay, I don't know how to put this, but I'm pretty sure that when you're at a urinal in a public bathroom, the only people that you see with their pants all the way down to their ankles when they take a leak are like, 4 years old. Yeah, you do that and it bothers me. A lot."
Me: For starters, I'm never going into a bath-room with you again if all you're going to do is watch me uri-nate. What's WRONG with you!? I had to go REALLY bad, and one of you was in the only sit-down stall. I HATE using the uri-nal because of people like you. That's just how I've always done that. I don't know how YOU do it because I would NEVER watch someone uri-nate, and I'm always in the sit-down-stall. ALONE. There is something wrong with you and it bothers me. A-lot.
8. 616: "I just want to know exactly what I'm doing wrong when you tell me not to 'look at your face forever'. You say that to me and the others a lot, and I've always been too scared to ask you what it means. I mean, specifically what is it that you don't want me doing? I'll just be talking to you, and even if we're having a non-confrontational conversation you will just come out with 'Don't look at my face forever'. I was always told that it was good manners to look at someone while speaking to them. You're not really assuming that I'm going to try to stare at your face for the rest of my life, are you? I mean, that's just a little far-fetched to think something like that. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I don't think I'm the only one in this group who's been baffled by that phrase a number of times."
Me: Why do I have to explain crap like this to you guys? Why can't you just listen to me? I'm not going to spend a-lot of time on this one. Basically, don't you hate it when you're talking to some-one and suddenly you can just feel their eyes looking at your eyes? It's like they aren't listening any-more, and all they want to do is stare at your face like nothing else in the world matters more to them than looking at your eyes and face. Then you try to keep talking, but you start to worry that they are trying to read your thoughts. And it's never been proven that people can't read your thoughts, so why on earth am I going to let some-one get a free-shot at it? Yes, all of these things are going-on in my mind when you try to look at my face forever. So I tell you not to do it, and then you complain. That baffles ME. Don't look at my face at ALL if you can't follow directions.
9. 616: "Lighting smokebombs in my car with the windows rolled up when I'm inside my house=Not funny to me.
Me: We are only supposed to be talking about things I did TODAY. Yesterday doesn't count. And maybe you should start locking your doors. Next.
10. 616: "You need to start paying me more and tackling me less. And yes, you did tackle me today. Twice. And poked me in the eye."
Me: I've always stuck by my-word about my business equation, Marcus. Better work will mean less tackling, and worse work will mean less money. Or something along those lines. And about poking you in the eye, you need to grow-up and start learning how to take a joke.
And there it is guys. They ganged up on me and I STILL managed to get the best of them with all of my amazing counter-points. Feel free to comment here on my BLOG about any of the items on the list to make my web-site team look even more stupid. That's all for now, guys. Later.
Posted on 25.05.2006 at 20:12
Hi, Howard Tuttleman here with what I call a news-flash-whistle-blower review. This may need a little back story.
So, I was at a restaurant the today trying to escape moms cinnaroni leftovers when I over-heard some people sitting next to me talking about how great their printer canon was. "A PRINTER CANON!!!" I thought. They were talking about how it was doing SO MANY fliers a minute and how they were spreading the fliers everywhere. I came up with a great mind-storm of ideas and ran home.
I decided it was time for me to take Max (my dog) on his first mission. I called up every electronics store until I found one that had it in-stock. Oh boy, it was time for action. Unfortunately I hit a slight snag when I had to go back to the restaurant and get my car. I drew up all the schematics and planned everything perfectly, but the printer canon didn't quite meet my expectations in the field-of-battle. Here was my plan:
1. Design a beautiful flier describing me (Howard Tuttleman) and why people should go to my web-site.
2. Pretend to take Max (my dog) for a walk so my parents wouldn't think I was up to any trouble.
3. Once I was in the center of the designated "blast-zone" I would strap the Canon BJC-80 Portable Printer to Max (my dog) and let him run around town as it sprayed fliers everywhere.
I had envisioned a spectacular shower of fliers everywhere. Needless to say, my dream didn't quite come true. I turned it on and let Max (my dog) loose. The copies just flopped out of the printer and onto the ground, and for some reason Max just ran around in circles so they didn't even spread around AT ALL. Instead of calling it a canon, why don't they just call it a Dumb Normal BJC-80 Portable Printer.
To make things worse the people at the computer-store gave me a real hard time when I tried to return it. I tried so many ways with different-words to describe the fountain of fliers and the way people would look up into the sky it would be like in a movie where people would think it was raining and they would take out their umbrellas and then they would see it wasn't rain at-all but Howard Tuttleman Fliers and they would put their umbrellas away and they would read the fliers and look all excited and then they would take the fliers home and go to my web-site and then they would give the fliers to other people who would also get really excited over them and there would be a great spiraling circle of happy people going to my web page and the STUPID guy at the computer-store just didn't get it. Whatever. Later.
Posted on 18.01.2006 at 22:33
Current Mood: productive
Greetings Tuttle-friends. I wrote this review on amazon.corn earlier and I thought that it worked just as well for my latest journal-entry. It's a review for a book that I gave only 1 star (out of a possible 5) by Mrs. Manners about etiquette and manners. Please keep that in mind, or the parts where I mention the book will be lost on you. Actually I don't really care either way. This is what you get. Here's my review/journal-entry:
I was baby-sitting my little-cousin Trisha last weekend and came across this book while exploring Aunt and Uncle Chris's room. Since all Trisha wanted to do was read unrealistic children's books that really didn't interest me, I went on a mission to read her something that could create some meaning in her life. You see, she has some SERIOUS manner problems. I chalk this up to her parents only reading her ridiculous little-kids books like the one about the snotty little wizard boy (Henry Potter). Considering she's not as smart as an adult, she doesn't realize that these books aren't meant to be taken seriously, and that adults make fun of kids about this when they aren't around.
Anyways, I decided to pick-up what I figured was the perfect book to help her think about growing-up and joining the rest of us in the real world. While I'm sure this book MEANT well, but was ridiculously out-dated, and even I had a hard time comprehending why anyone would consider this stuff appropriate in this day-and-age. It was easy to see why this book was packaged up in a box with other disposable throw-away books under a pile of dirty clothes in the very back of a walk-in closet. These methods and practices were so ancient that they reminded me of some old-timey guy with a tuxedo and a curly-mustache who says words like "maa-velous" and "simply Smashing!" through his large polished-white teeth while tipping his derby to some fancy lady, just to appear "proper". The book also seems to imply that you must be rich to be manner-ful. I doubted Trisha would ever grow up to be rich, so the book seemed even more insulting.
Now Howard Tuttleman can be a gentle-man if he needs to be, but he doesn't need some hopeless relic of a guide to achieve this. He's got his own style of manners that he has pioneered that fit just about any modern situation, and won't discriminate against little-kids with a lot of heart but no life-direction. This was the perfect time for a demonstration considering the money situation wasn't looking good. I was determined to give Trisha a cost-effective crash-course in Howard Tuttleman-style etiquette for dummies.
That last sentence made me realize that it's almost a crime that I don't have my own book-deal, by the way.
To begin our course I decided to use what little money I could scrounge-up from the house to take Trisha to a fancy restaurant so we could practice our lessons in a place where manners were a MUST. I found a very nice looking tuxedo in the walk-in closet. It HAD to be my uncle's because it was WAY too big for me. I improvised to make it more form-fitting by using dozens of safety-pins in-lieu of an expensive tailor. I figured I saved about $300 by not having to buy my own tuxedo, and $50 more by tailoring it myself. And I looked AMAZING in the process! Leave it to Howard Tuttleman to look incredible while saving upwards of $400! I let Trisha use me as an example about how to improvise a classy outfit. I saw there was still hope for the kid when she asked if it was alright if she could wear her Princess costume that she wore last Halloween. It was a stunning magenta, with silver-stars and a pointy-hat. What does an evening-gown go for? Maybe $300? She was learning fast. I was so proud of her that I let her put on any of her mom's jewelry that she wanted to, and I had a great time trying on some fancy watches, and I even found a ring that had the number 84 on it. The year I was born!
I chose for us to get some mexican-food. There was a perfect place in Detroit called Mexican-Town that seemed like our best bet to get it hot and authentic. Now I'm sure that the real Mexico is a place of majesty and wonder-ment, rich in culture and whatever, but Mexican-TOWN was in a poorly-lit dangerous looking area if I've ever seen one. It felt un-safe to even walk from the car to the restaurant. I feared that this was going to turn into a lesson in how to survive in an urban-warzone (a topic which I have covered before), so we had to get inside QUICKLY.
I started off our manners lesson by letting Trisha lead the way through the parking-lot while I gallantly lagged a couple yards behind so no one could sneak-up on us. Trisha was so happy to be in the company of her favorite cousin and to be wearing her princess uniform that she skipped irresponsibly through the dark lot. Up ahead I could see a car weaving through the lanes of the parking-lot. I was worried that they might not be able to see Trisha in the dark so I decided to take control of the situation. I commanded Trisha to halt as I dashed-up to the dangerous vehicle head-on, with my hand extended in the "stop"-position. Sure enough, they recognized they were dealing with a true cavalier and promptly stopped. My actions were pure chivalry.
As soon as we were inside, a man asked us if we wanted to sit in the cigarett-smoking section or not. I fired back with a snappy "My good-man, do we LOOK like smokers to you? I thought NOT!" We were rewarded with a small table in the corner that actually allowed us to peer into the kitchen, where the magic happens. Knowing the gentle-man-speak vernacular can get you places.
Free chips and sauce! Free chips and sauce! My money-saving instincts came in handy at this point. I simply pretended that we weren't ready to order for 30 minutes while the lady (who introduced herself as "Carmen") kept bringing us basket after basket of free chips and sauce (!) to our table. Only after we started to feel full off the chips, did I commandingly snap my fingers and whistle to call Carmen over to our table. This shows that you mean business, and you take your meals very seriously. Unfortunately, when Carmen arrived at our table, I realized I was not prepared to order. You see, I had only been PRETENDING to browse the menu during our chip-binge. The problem was solved by the quick-wit that only a true debonair could provide. I simply asked what Carmen would reccommend. She threw out the name of some unappealing foriegn sounding thing and before she could even finish I fired back with "Sounds fantastic!" and she was off.
I taught Trisha to sip her water without letting your pinky-finger touch the glass while we waited. The chips kept coming, so we were pretty full by the time the fancy-food arrived. It didn't look very appetizing by that time so we just dipped our chips in the beans and rice and picked-out certain parts with our forks. After a-while I clapped my hands loudly, three times to signify we were ready for our food-bill. Ugh. $10.59. That was almost all of our money right there. Now I know that a true aristocrat leaves somewhere between 12% and 17% for a gratuity ( a tip for those of you unfamiliar), but Trisha and I had spoken earlier about our plans to buy gum-balls and hilarious stickers from the machines in the lobby. Quite a predicament.
As Carmen boxed-up our food I was struck by a brilliant idea that would solve all of our problems. I asked for a pen at the counter and put my plan into action. Remember how Carmen had reccommended our dinner from her own personal experience? Well, Howard Tuttleman doesn't forget things like that. I put my pen to the styrofoam and wrote:
Thank you for the exceptional service you provided, it didn't go un-noticed. You seemed pretty nice so I left you your favorite dish. We couldn't finish it and you probably like it more than us anyways. You can eat it on your break if you are hungry. It may need re-heating.
Howard Tuttleman (as featured on the internet) and his cousin, Trisha (the girl I was with)"
I even drew a little portrait of my face at the bottom so she would recognize us for next time.
On the way out to the parking-lot, Trisha went ahead and made me really proud by stopping a car for ME with the same "Stop"-hand-gesture that I had showed her! This time however, what I THOUGHT was insane boxing-maniac Mike Tyson started yelling at us. I was terrified, but it turned out to just be an angry old-lady. Trisha did a hilarious little nya-nya-nya dance, and although it went against everything I was trying to teach her, we laughed about it and skipped back to the car yelling "Later!"
In conclusion, I hope you learned a thing or two about all the stuff I've been trying to tell you. I hope...I..I'm going to stop writing now because I just had this really creepy thought that you might be reading this out-loud, and I don't want to imagine my words coming out of your mouths. That's just weird. Later.
Posted on 09.01.2006 at 23:12
Hello Tuttle-Friends. I figured I would let you know what's going-on in my life in the past few days. Not everything is amazing, because even I have some regular-type days once in a while. I'll just fill you in on the MOST amazing parts. Okay, I'm going to talk about a few things and you guys can comment and we can have some really good coversations about me later-on. I'll start with yesterday, and then I'll move on to what-ever I feel like. Call it "The writer's choice" or something.
Yesterday me and Lyle took a trip to the Lake-side Mall for a wild day of shopping and eating. We went to this place called Stake-and-Shakes. I had never experienced a place that had so many odd slogans and instructions all over the place. Every sign, menu and place-mat was giving you all sorts of information about how to order, and what the place and their food can do for you. For example, the menu advertised this thing called a STEAK-BURGER and it proposed the question "Why do we call it a STEAK-BURGER?" Well the reply was "Because we can". I guess they don't mess around there. They also had this saying on Lyle's place-mat about how the establishment had just won the 2005 award for "Best Use of a Grill". I was proud to be eating in such an award-winning place, but I noticed something very disturbing, right in front of me on my own place-mat. Apparently this resaurant is famous for being "fun" to eat at and also for milk-shakes that they make at a real old-style milk-shake fountain. I couldn't pass up the offer of ordering something called the "Outrageous-Parfait". It sounded like it would be really fun, and it looked pretty amazing, and it was to be made at a real old-style milk-shake fountain, simply known on all of the signs as "The Fountain". I was having a LOT of fun reading all of the signs and talking to people sitting around us about the signs, and talking to the waitress about what food I was going to try this time and what I would probably order next time. I was excited by imagining how outrageous this parfait really was going to be. I even tried to start a full-restaurant and staff sing-a-long of that dance-song where the lady sings about her milk-shake. A lot of the spoil-sports chose not to sing-a-long but it was their loss. Then I noticed the thing on my menu. Above a list of the milk-shakes it read "Choose something from the Fountain, and the fun becomes almost unbearable". What the HECK kind of thing is that to say!? That sounded a lot like getting knocked in the funny-bone where it's REALLY funny because you laugh so much, yet it hurts your arm. Or even worse, being tickled. Don't get me wrong, getting tickled is hilarious because it makes you laugh, but it can get quite unbearable and it can make even a grown-man urinate (or so I've heard). Then I noticed that everyone who had left after the sing-a-long was apparently unable to complete their milk-shakes, because there were half-eaten ones on almost every table. Well Howard Tuttleman wasn't about to find-out what unbearable fun was like, so after it finally arrived I had to think quick. I was going to just knock it over on to the floor, but I figured if I did that the since the lady would think it was a genuine accident, sho would just keep bringing me more until I drank one. So I took it to the bathroom and put it in the toilet. The only flaw in my plan was that I was afraid that sooner-or-later she was going to notice that I didn't have a milk-shake glass in front of me, and then ask where it went. Of course if she had asked me I already had decided in mind how I was going to play-dumb and act like she was crazy. Of course she never did, and she will never know what happened to the missing milk-shake glass because she would have no reason to go looking in the toilets in the Men's Room. Yeah, so that's about it. Go away and read something else becau----wait, there's other things that I wanted to talk about.
I wanted to ask any of you guys out there if you want to come to a concert with me. I was in Troy today and I picked up their local free-newspaper and was astonished to see this headline, practically screaming out at me on the bottom of page 11:
Enjoy A Rare Horn Quartet at Hagopian
Now I don't know exactly what this is all about, but I don't know if I can pass this up. It says the name of the concert is "Horns O' Plenty". It's this friday and only costs $20 and it's in Birmingham at the carpet-store. Still not sold? Get this, it says "It is a rare opportunity to hear the versatility of four horns,". It sounds truly amazing. And you guys KNOW that "RARE" is most-likely my favorite word. I pretty-much like anything considered RARE. I looked on the web-site for the concert and it says "The virtuosity of the quartet will be apparent as they travel through five centuries of music" NOW do you guys want to go!? You think I could learn how to play the horn? Me too! I figure if we go to this show together maybe you would want to learn how to play one too and we could find a couple of other guys who shared our passion for the horn and maybe play at Clyde's Carpet or something. Just a thought-dream, you know? It probably won't happen so I won't get my hopes up. Anyways, it starts at 8:30 (pm) and you would have to pick me up, but I'll pay for my own ticket. Keep in mind, it's RARE.
OH YEAH, I almost forgot! Something happened today by Wal-Mart. I saw these guys on B.M.X. bicycles riding around the parking-lot and they were doing some little tricks and generally acting dangerously enthusiastic. Well, unfortunately one guy did this thing where he could make his B.M.X. stand on only it's front wheel (I don't know the name of this trick, but I will call it the Front-Wheel-Only-B.M.X.-Trick)and he fell over front-wards and it looked like he hurt his face on the ground. Now I can't be sure about this, but I think it was that guy Tony Hawk (sp?) that everyone talks about because he was REALLY good (up until he hurt his face) and kind of looked like the pictures I've seen of Tony Hawk (sp?). I figured since it might be Tony Hawk (sp?) I should call the police. I ran back into the Wal-Mart lobby and used their Pay-Telephone to call 9-1-1 and tell them that Tony Hawk (sp?) might be dead out in the Wal-Mart parking-lot. To my dismay, when I walked back out to the parking-lot, the guy had got up, brushed himself off and was back on his stupid B.M.X. like nothing happened. And he was laughing! Possibly at ME, although I can't be sure. I was ready to go back in and call the police again and make up a lie about how I was assulted by a gang of bikers, but I took the high-road and didn't. I figured I should get out of there before the police came and started asking me questions. Now get the HECK out of here an---wait, let me see if there's anything else you would like to know about the last few days of my life. That didn't come out right, but you know what I mean.
Oh yeah, my web-site team worked on my web-site and it looks truly amazing. Finally you can see some footage of me from the San-Diego Zoo that I told you guys about back in October of 2005. And don't forget my favorite new-item of all, Howard! (Sorry, that was just a mental-note to myself and shouldn't have been typed) What is it? Why, it's an archive of my short-lived, but sometimes-ressurected Tuttle-Talk radio-show! You get a whole-lot of great and not-so-great audio shows of me (and other people). For those of you who have never heard it, basically I let Bosco talk-around a little-bit and introduce me, and I just say what-ever is on my mind. Kind of like the stuff I type, but you get to hear it instead of read it. It would be a good alternative for any blind-people out there that want to see what I'm doing. I meant to type "hear" of course, not "see". It sounded like I was trying to make a joke, but as you all know, if I make a humor-joke I will always immediately follow the joke with "LOL", but not in quotes like that. I wouldn't make a humor-joke about something like that. I'm just against the Backspace-button, as you know. Anyways, one of the segments we do is an informative News-Show where Bosco reads some great news-stories which I comment on. Marcus is there sometimes too. I've had 2 special guests on, but one of them was just stupid Joe. The other one turned out to be a disaster too, but you will have to listen to find-out what happened. Let me know what you guys think, and what you would like to hear me do on the radio in future-shows. I'm going to make an effort to be nice now, and not yell, and just say Later.
Posted on 05.01.2006 at 00:19
Current Mood: enthralled
A few weeks ago I was invited over to Lyle's house for dinner for some weird Canadian holiday called "Boxing-Day". When Lyle first called me and asked if I wanted to come over I was a little hesitant to make myself public again because I might have to talk about the Jack-Russell-Terrier. After listening to that Dog-Rat bark over and over, I decided it was in my best interest to go over to Lyle's and regain some of my sanity that the Jack-Russell-Terrier has been stripping away from me since it's un-holy insulting arrival to MY house. I called Lyle back and told him I'd be there ONLY if no-one would mention the Jack-Russell-Terrier or Morris (unless of course they had found him).
After I hung up the phone with Lyle, I realized that I did-not know anything about this Canadian-custom of Boxing-Day. Since both mom and Dad were home I was unable to go on Dad's "golden" computer and research it, so I had to research it in my head and on Home-Box-Office's-boxing-show. As I watched two guys in a ring punch each-other merciless for a while, Dad walked in and started talking at me about something or another, so I just went up to my room and closed the door. Doesn't he know I don't want to speak with him due to his treachery against Morris?
As I sat in my room I wrote down the things I noticed about watching the boxing show:
Due to my time limit I was forced to prepare my outfit for the Boxing-Day celebration quickly. I snuck into Mom's room and grabbed a robe that closely resembled what the gladiators wore to the ring. There was a problem though. I noticed some loop in it that said some-thing about some-one named Victoria, I ripped at it until it came off, tearing a hole in the robe in the proccess. I was upset with the robe at first, but I figured that the hole probably made it look like I've used it before in other Boxing-Day celebrations. I wanted to fit in.
Now with that taken care of I ran to the basement to get my boxing-gloves that I use on my Sock'em-Bop-Buddy inflatable punching-man. I wanted to make sure I still had some of my old moves, so I punched at it for a while (mental note: tape picture of the Jack-Russell-Terrier to it when I'm done with this review). I snuck past Mom and Dad to return to my room to grab a pair of addias-soccer-shorts. I'm pretty sure Lyle and his family won't mind, due to me being American and all, and not having a real pair of boxer-shorts. I put the outfit on. I looked pretty good for a First-Time-Boxing-Day-Rocky. I looked over my list again, and noticed I still needed the angry-face to complete the out-fit. I stared at my mirror until it was time to go, practicing my angry-face. MAN did I make some angry-faces! You should have seen them! Watch this, I'm gonna make one now! GRRRRRRRRRRR! AAArrrrrrrrRRR! Oh man, you guys should see this! ARARARARRRRR! Now THAT was a good one! Okay, here I go watch---Oh yeah, the review. Anyways, I threw my coat over the out-fit so Mom and Dad wouldn't want to take my picture, or some other weird parent thing.
When I arrived at Lyle's, (oh yeah, for my fans knowledge, it's really hard to drive with Boxing-Gloves on), any-who, back on track. When I arrived at Lyle's I walked in and threw off my coat to show them my Boxing-Day out-fit. I thought they would be really impressed with my respect for their culture. They sat there wide-eyed for a moment, so I thought I would further impress them and I threw out some jabs and a hay-maker style air-punch. Lyle's father and brother started to laugh, Lyle's mom told Lyle to get me some "proper-attire". I followed Lyle to his room confused, I spent all that time on this out-fit to impress them and I got laughed at. Maybe I was too pre-mature, and we would switch after dinner.
Lyle gave me some clothes to put on, and informed me that it wasn't that type of Boxing... He did note he was pleased with my enthusiasm though. We walked down to the dinner-table and Lyle's Dad called me Sugar-Ray for some reason. What the HECK!? Is that how Canadians do Boxing? With verbal-punches? I thought I'd join in and made a comment on his HUGE bald spot. Lyle and Lyle's Mom and Brother laughed. I said "how'd you like that verbal upper-cut?". Then I layed into him with some verbal jabs about his chronic-alcoholism. Lyle's Mom quickly interjected by lecturing me about how Boxing-Day did not have aaaannnyyy-thing to do with Boxing, physical or verbal. She then went on with some snore about church donations and this-and-that. What I thought was a great idea for a holiday, just pulled a one-eighty. For some reason though, Lyle's dad continued to call me Sugar-Ray for the rest of the evening. What the HECK kind of thing is that to call a GUEST in your house!? What's next, Honey-Bottom? Candy-Striper? Cinderella-Man!? He was probably just drunk.
In Conclusion, I blame the turn-out of this evening on my own Dad. Since he doesn't allow me on the computer all that much, it didn't allow me the time to do the proper research. I might have to invest in a book on Canadian customs so this won't happen again. They have this Thanks-Giving prequel type thing that I don't want to get embarrassed about either. Pfffft. Those Canadians LOL! Whatever, leave me alone. My dog ran away and you should stop reading this and go help me find him you lazy Americans. Later.